How to Negotiate Millennial Coffee Shops

fluffy jacket

cropped jeans

You know the drill; walk into *insert appropriate international coffee shop*, get overwhelmed by an algorithm of drinks that even Instagram would have trouble understanding, leave with an organic, soy-milked, iced, frapped macchiato having consumed a week’s calorie intake without even enjoying your drink… Well, no longer! Because together we rise, and fight against the system. We want a simple coffee, a tea even (does tea even exist in these places?)! Here’s how…

Preparing your Stance…

Like a race horse in blinkers, enter the coffee shop with one goal in mind: your simple drink. Sidestep the lunch-meal fridge (where the realms of a basic chicken sandwich are far out of reach), bypass the assortment of triple chocolate brownie-muffins with extra choc chips, and finally, once through these hurdles, dodge the marginally more healthy icecream-shaped waffles and apple-infused nutri bars (an apple? What’s that?).

Congratulations. If you’ve made it this far resisting the allure of these mouth-watering temptresses, you deserve a reward. Go back and buy yourself a donut.

Ordering your Drink (get ready for the fight)

A terrifying feat though this may be, tell the cashier you want ‘a coffee, please.’ They may look at you in a bewildered state, they may have to consult a colleague, they may even have to double-check the drinks menu: but stand defiant. Don’t feel yourself crumbling under the barista’s gaze. No, you don’t want a double-shot vanilla latte. You want COFFEE. 

A warning to you all. At the till, they’ll try and seduce you with a whole new world of milk substitutes; offering soy, almond, maybe even coconut (?!). Be confident. You want milk. Real milk. You know, the stuff cows produce? The stuff that until recently, has been triumphed as one of our most important victuals of childhood development. Ah yes, milk. Once you’ve overcome this hurdle, you’re on the home-stretch.

Plotting your Escape

The staff may have overcome the trauma-shock of your order, but you’ve still got to face the whispers of the basic bitches in the corner with their cinnamon, skinny, iced white mochas. Stride past them with confidence as they twiddle their plastic straws around their plastic grande cups, staring at your inferior cardboard coffee holder. Rejoice in your new found coffee shop confidence, be proud in what you’ve overcome, commend yourself with a lovely swig of your simple coffee…

OUCH, its burnt your tongue…

Happy Easter, everyone! 

wide cropped jeans

fluffy jacket

What I’m Wearing

Jacket | Zara, here

Jeans | Zara, here

Belt | Gucci, here

T-Shirt | Primark, similar below

Shoes | River Island, similar below

Bag | Gucci, similar below

Sunglasses | Céline, linked below


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