Ah, you’ve reached the grand old age of twenty-something. Congratulations! Your bank account (ever dwindling from the constant stream of unavoidable bills that seem to increase each year) has suffered detrimentally, you’re realising that your metabolism isn’t what it was aged 13, and there’s surmounting pressure to find that ever-allusive ‘career’ that the Western World forces us to aspire to.
But along with said issues, you’re on a constant train of partying and celebrating that you don’t want to get off any time soon, and you’ve set out on a burgeoning quest to achieve the ‘ultimate’ wardrobe; #firstworldproblems indeed.
So I guess the question we really need to ask, is just how do we conquer living on the lemonade (or tap water?) wage whilst still leading, or appearing to lead, the champagne lifestyle? This comprehensive, step by step guide, will show you the tips and tricks I’ve acquired in faking it till I make it…
Economise on the little things. Who really needs food anyway? Trust me, saving a fiver a week cutting down on post-xmas discount chocolates can get you places…
Put it aside instead. Save up for Step 2 (the hunger will pay off).
Every little helps and the more you can avoid buying a few caffeine-free mocha-spiced soy lattes from Costa-lot, the more you’ll save for the finer things in life.
Buy some designer sunglasses with Step 1‘s savings. Trust me, they’ll come in handy when you’re studying that £1500 Gucci dress in Selfridges (wards off snooty sales assistants who make you feel like you don’t belong).
My new Célines come in as a vital accessory when executing ‘posh shop’ operations, i.e. trying on a pair of Chanel flats that I can’t afford. There’s nothing better than catching the sales assistant’s eye after she’s noticed those three important dots on the glasses’ arm. Even better, keep gesturing your hand to draw attention to them *see top picture for how to do this subtly*. Trust me, as soon as that assistant notices, she’ll soon be rustling off in her tweed jacket to get you a glass of their best vintage Dom.
Céline ‘Catherine’ sunglasses here
Okay so we’ve mastered the champagne lifestyle during the day, but what happens in the evening…?
First thing’s first, know that the night begins at home. Always drink before you go out… you can pick up a Lidl bottle of prosecco for a fiver!
Next step. For this, research is key. Find out where to go beforehand… no one likes wandering a city in 5 inch heels in search of a good bar. If you’re not sure where to start, simply google ‘where do footballers drink in *insert relevant area*?’ – that should do the trick.
You’ve found the appropriate bars, now’s time to execute the night like a pro. But ALERT! Whatever you do, do not buy yourself a drink. You’re pleasantly merry from that cheap prosecco and you’re pretty sure there are a couple of guys round the bar willing to bring in some drinks for you and your girls (don’t forget to ditch them if they bore you about their computer science jobs though…).
Having achieved steps 1, 2 and 3, you’re well on your way to becoming a fully fledged champagne-lifestyle-faker!
Essentially, though, you can’t just look the part, you’ve got the be the part. And this means knowing the vocab down-pat. First thing’s first we’ll start with brand names. Net-a-Porter will guide you through the rest (i.e. memorise some key names on there and have a vague idea of what they sell).
Once you’ve got this fundamental element off to a T, it’s time to start working on on the rest: interiors, restaurants, useful celebrity names that you can drop (careful on this one though because, A. it needs to be plausible that you’ve met them, and B. no one wants to be associated with a Z-list star from a girl band in the noughties!!!).
Having mastered all of the above, you should continue to: walk the walk, talk the talk, fake it till you make it. And if none of this makes sense, then you really shouldn’t be reading this post.
*Disclaimer: all of these opinions are absolutely my own, and I completely encourage all of the above behaviour (but don’t blame me if you end up hungry, hungover and with only a pair of £400 sunglasses to your name)*
Where To Buy
Jumper | H&M (sold out online, similar here)
Polar Neck (worn underneath H&M jumper) | Zara
Trousers | Mango (very similar here)
Sunglasses | Céline
Belt | Gucci
Trainers | Pull & Bear