Fake It ‘Till You Make It – How to Globetrot with Ease
As the sound of the tannoy drowns out the low hum of voices jostling for the best buys at duty free, you realise that the final boarding call is actually for you. Panic stricken and weighed down by four magazines (three were in a multi-pack for a total of £20, saving you £2.98 had you bought them all separately – bargain!), a jumbo water bottle (it was the only one left on the WH Smith shelves) and partially strangled by your headphones, you run to the boarding gates, losing one of the four magazines as well as your dignity as you go.
Having faced similar such nightmare, as I’m sure anyone who has the interest to read this post also has, it was time to construct a foolproof guide to negotiating airport travels so that you look less Mr-Bean-goes-travelling and more Rosie-Huntington-Whitely-in-LAX.
Eschew all electrical devices, notepads, jewellery, headphones, books, chewing gum… You name it, go without it. The lighter you are travelling, the less implements and objects you have in the way of you and your flight. Ridding yourself of excess baggage means you’ll have less to take off and there will be no risk of losing your ten delicately layered gold necklaces (as good as they look) when you’re asked to remove everything but your underwear at security. Jackets? Who needs ’em! Shoes? You can probably go without! A ten hour flight across the world? You don’t need your iPad! Play eye spy instead!
Honestly, only the essentials will do. Going in your bikini with your passport in a sensible, zipped, cross-body bag will be the wisest move you can make.
And If You Can’t Travel Light…
Acquire some assistance.
For the purpose of helping carry your bags only, it may be worth faking a leg injury in order to get someone else to be lumbered with your handbag, carry-on and duty-free shopping bags. And whilst they’re at your service, maybe ask them to get an airport selfie of you.
Failing this, you could get yourself a fast-track to the front (with help of said ‘leg injury’), meaning less time weighed down by the three bottles of Gucci Bloom that you snapped up at 50p off.
This is something you will need to prepare for in advance so maybe purchase a large bandage and fasten it to your leg an hour prior to setting off, in case it takes a while to get on.
If you can’t manage to head to the airport wearing nothing but your swimsuit (despite saving extra time and hassle this way), you need to consider your outfit. As advised in all magazines that you need a small mortgage to buy, and on luxury online videos, it’s wise to board the plane with some sort of silk scarf – because you know, there are multiple uses for such an accessory! Not only can you use it as a neck warmer and hair tie, but low and behold, you can also adapt your scarf into a hammock-style bag to store mints and on-board refreshments in, or use it to add a colourful flourish to your leg bandage had you so completed the previous steps.
Large Sunglasses. As with all celebrities, A-list or Z-list, a trip to the airport isn’t complete without a pair of sunglasses that cover half your face. Again, people may believe you’ve had an operation which will allow you to skip to the head of the boarding queue. Otherwise, they’ll come in very handy when one wants to look important etc.
While many head to the airport bar to kill some time, or to simply enjoy themselves, it’s worth heading straight for the prosecco just to get over the pre-airport trauma you’ve suffered getting to this point. In fact, whilst reading this, I advise you to pour yourself a glass to stop the nervous jitters you may be experiencing thinking about all the factors you must take into consideration.
It may be a painstaking pre-airport process that requires a slight alcoholic relaxant, but all your efforts will pay off and you’ll feel like you’ve conquered the jet setting experience with style! Happy Travels!*
*If you are faking a leg injury then a bit of body paint wouldn’t go amiss for some authenticity!
What I’m Wearing
T-Shirt | Colourful Rebel, here
Jeans | Lasula, here